Posted in Uncategorized

Recreate…a blogging prompt and more

I have often wanted a chance to recreate myself.  Haven’t we all?  When I think of the road down which I have travelled, I am often left with the feeling that I am still waiting for my life to begin.

Like most young women of my generation, I always thought that growing up meant having a fulfilling career, getting married and having children in that order, though the fulfilling career part would, of course, span the entire course of my productive adult years, and getting married and having children, though being vital to my theme, would be worked in around my satisfying and well paying, job.  But that’s not quite what has happened in my life, at least not yet.

And what is wrong with hoping that I might still be able to fulfill at least part of the life plans that I once thought would automatically come to me?I’ve already had children and been married, though not in the way I thought I would, but I most certainly haven’t had anything that even remotely resembles a fulfilling career.  If I could find a way to recreate my life at this late stage perhaps this is what I would have to look forward to.

First off I would get out of the relationship that I am in and that holds me back in almost every way.  I am saddled with a lazy, ill tempered young man who thinks smoking dope and getting money for nothing is the best life one can have and does what he can to live exactly that.  Problem is, its my money most often that fuels his dope smoking, money for nothing lifestyle which while fine for him, does nothing for me.  As well, he is so much younger than me that we have almost nothing in common outside of a now waning sex life, and we have no social life to speak of since neither of us are willing to present the other to our friends.

Once rid of the relationship, I would want to get involved in some activities that put me in touch with my creative side.  Perhaps a watercolor workshop or a writer’s group.  I’d also like to get into meditation, yoga and a spiritual center to focus my spiritual nature.  I have seen a group that meets on Sundays that is a new age spirituality organization and would like to try out one of their meetings.

From these I would hope to meet some people, men and women, my own age and who share the same interests.   Once having developed some social outlets, I would like to develop a routine of getting out and being with people on a regular basis, perhaps starting a relationship that will hopefully turn into that someone who will be with me in my old, old age.  Who knows, I’ve always believed I would get married a third time.

Then, I would like to broaden my employment skills by taking a mental health certificate of diploma program and following my dream to work with people on the fringes of society.  Those who would fall through the cracks if were not for social agencies and outreach workers.  I have always had a passion for working with people and believe I could make a difference still.

Once my career was established and I had a bit of money that wasn’t earmarked for bills, I would like to be able to do some travelling.  I thought that it would be fun to go on those excursions that allow you to volunteer in foreign lands as a way of making the travel experience less expensive.  One I’ve always wanted to do is to go to where the sea turtles are born and help them on their journey to the ocean.   Any kind of work with animals would be a real vacation so to speak.

Then with all this said and done, I would have truly recreated myself.  What do you know?  I think I’ve just created a plan for the rest of my life.  Thank you blogging prompt. You may have just kick started a beautiful journey

Posted in Uncategorized

Where did she go ?  (what happened to the girl I thought I was?)

It isn’t my intention, necessarily, to want to put down my parents or my upbringing, but where did I get such a poor self evaluation?  What changed in me to make me go from someone who thoug…

Source: Where did she go ?  (what happened to the girl I thought I was?)

Posted in Uncategorized

Not finished thought process

First however, the stigma and weight of society’s disapproval must dissipate in order for these people to have the courage to come forward and accept the olive branch proffered.  Without a level of understanding, the oppressed of this world will forever hide themselves  away in fear and shame, and eventual anger and retaliation be it against society, themselves or others like themselves.  This misdirected anger can be channelled into positive energy if we can penetrate the armor of false disdain and disinterest that addiction has built up around these lost children.  And don’t doubt that they are just that, children.  Most start at early ages and development in terms of emotional and intellectual growth cease to develop.  They are left with the mindset of a child or teenager in the bodies of  adults that have been abused my poor nutrition and the elements not to mention the chemicals that they pump into themselves to dampen down the distress that accompanies their lifestyle.They are (we are) people and when given a chance we can and do succeed on society’s terms.

Please keep in mind that this was written and then copied and pasted out of my free writing journal.  It has not been revised or edited for mistakes.  It is however, something that is of interest and imortance to me as I am a huge advocate of harm reduction and feel that I should focus my writing on matters pertaining to it.

Posted in Uncategorized

New year but what the hell is new?

The first thing that shows up when you go to the spot I’m typing in right now is,”What’s on your mind.” This is what is on mine; that it is a new year and is supposed to be the time when we make all these plans on how we’re going to improve our lives and actually follow through on them, and yet I don’t see a lot of that going on around me. I don’t know a single person who is making any real changes or doing anything “new.” And that, of course, includes me. And maybe, its just me. Maybe things are changing all around me in leaps and bounds and I’m just not seeing it because I’m so stagnant in my own thought processes. It’s definitely a possibility. I’m a person who does not relish change unless I know exactly how the change will effect me and that the change is guaranteed good results. Now since this is a fairly impossible thing to guarantee, it stands to reason that I avoid change and therefore do not want to see it in others either. Just something to think about.
So what do I want from the new year ahead then. If I am unwilling to pursue change, just what is it that I can commit to, mediocrity and stagnation? Seems that way. I mean I am 51 and I’m still doing the same job I got when I was 15. I’m waitressing. I never once thought I’d be nothing more than a waitress all my life. I always thought that I’d do it, I’d complete that diploma and become an outreach worker of sorts. I’d be the Jane Doe who made it out and went on to help others reclaim themselves. i see the time slip away on me now so fast its frightening and still I do nothing to change my circumstances. At this point I can only blame myself, not society, for where I sit. Time for this Jane Doe to figure out who she is and what she can give back to the world.

Posted in autoethnography

What this is all about and why I feel so strongly about social inequality.

Labels are something that should appear on cans and on the back of a pair of jeans not on people.

It hasn’t been until recently that I realized that I have lived my entire life on the fringes of society, never within the warmth of its bosom. I always thought that my dissent into cultural deviance and obscurity didn’t really occur until I left my first husband, but in retrospect, it seems to me that I was a misfit from the beginning. At least I was to my parents. It seems that they never planned a second child and my intrusion into their lives some eight years after my brother, was just that, an intrusion. So I learned very early on just how much labels, or “name calling”, which it really is, (calling it labeling almost gives it a sense of rightness and there is nothing right about it), hurts the individual on whom these names or labels are placed.

What is it I mean by the term “cultural deviation.” Simply anything that does not fit in with cultural norms; for example, my present relationship, one I have been in for the last four and a half years. It is with a man who is twenty seven years my junior. We started our relationship when he was nineteen and I was forty-six. Now the last time I checked, the men of this particular culture are not supposed to be interested in having a committed relationship with a woman who is old enough, and then some, to be his mother and women who are of a certain middle age, are not supposed to be attracted to and have a relationship with a man younger than their oldest child although older than their youngest If they do they are labeled “cougars” though I don’t think that the men are called “deer” although I think when the term “cougar” first came out, men (or boys as it were) were called Bambi’s on occasion. Don’t quote me, I could be wrong. Although these aren’t the most harmful of labels that I’ve heard, they are still vulgar at best and not necessarily the case. I am personally, a far cry from what the term “cougar” is meant to convey=–a predatory female of a mature age who is out to trophy hunt young “bucks.” I was in an unusual place in my life, even for my life, when I met Seath, and the odds of our getting together at all were so astronomical, that I can’t help but feel that it was more fate than a predatory act on my part. I will be writing about it in future posts as it is an integral part of my story and where I have indeed ended up in answer to where the “here” is in How did I get Here.

Ok, so I’ve lived a subversive lifestyle most of my life with patches of pretty well culturally within the norms but for the most part I’ve always fallen short of fitting into the parameters. Because of this I have had the opportunity to see first hand the injustice done to a number of people in the name of social justice as well as endured injustice as part of the deviant minority. When you have problems of the type I have or have other problems or problematic behaviors as defined by your culture, you immediately become a substandard quality of person who “normal” society quickly assumes is OK to simply forget about. For the most part, we become Jand and John Does. The nameless and faceless of society who live and die and breed in their own private hell and that’s fine so long as it stays private. Or at least that’s how it feels to those of us who are in it. It feels as if the governing forces would be just as happy to see us off on the next arc to nowhere as they were to put the native people of Canada onto reservations on what was their own land to start with!

It is because I feel the ever widening gap between the haves and the have nots and the general intolerance to anything different escalating to crimes of hate and violence among both sides that I want to write my autoethnography. I am hoping that by putting a human face on the problem I can bring some empathy to the table. I am not trying to write something condoning the use of substances but I am trying to bring some understanding to the subject and the people who are suffering because of it. People are suffering for all the wrong reasons (not that there are right ones to suffer–appropriate, but not right) like intolerance and judgment and ignorance and self importance and vanity. In every culture there are norms that are assumed but who decides what is this cultures norms? And where do we learn what is the norm for the times? Most of us are media driven sheep now, myself as well, just not as much as some.

So the whole idea of this blog is to reflect on my life to see if I can come up with enough material to write an auto-ethnography about it that will not only tell my story but will impart a social message. Judge not lest ye be judged and a greater sense of social tolerance for all differences be it in skin colour or religion and lastly that we are all human beings no matter how deviated by societies standards and that to someone we are a daughter or a mother or a sister or a brother. Someone, somewhere loves each and every person at some time in their life. No one is a complete Jane or John Doe nor should they be treated as one. If I can get that message across somehow then I will have fulfilled my purpose.

To everyone who reads this, thanks, I will try to keep to topic.

Yours truly,

one jane doe